Toxic as always

Why when everything is going so well and feels so on track does my life always crumble?

I'm toxic to the touch it would appear...everything is breaking, infected by my own confusion and twisted mind.

I'm causing pain where I desperatly don't want to...struggling with who I am before friends, family and God.

What's the point?

That stupid voice at the back of my head taunts me, flashing metal tempting me...but no I WILL NOT GO BACK DOWN THAT ROAD AGAIN. I AM IN CONTROL! I DON'T NEED IT'S CARESS.

Why am I so toxic? Why does everything I touch fall to bits? I call out to God but he appears so silent these days...is he even there?

No of course he's there...He's faithful to the end...but then why do I feel so abandoned?

MY GOD, MY GOD WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?
Why, O LORD, do you reject me and hide your face from me?

O LORD, the God who saves me,
day and night I cry out before you.
May my prayer come before you;
turn your ear to my cry.
For my soul is full of trouble
and my life draws near the grave
I am counted among those who go down to the pit;
I am like a man without strength.
I am set apart with the dead,
like the slain who lie in the grave,
whom you remember no more,
who are cut off from your care
You have put me in the lowest pit,
in the darkest depths.
Your wrath lies heavily upon me;
you have overwhelmed me with all your waves.
You have taken from me my closest friends
and have made me repulsive to them.
I am confined and cannot escape
My eyes are dim with grief.
I call to you, O LORD, every day;
I spread out my hands to you
Do you show your wonders to the dead?
Do those who are dead rise up and praise you?
Is your love declared in the grave,
your faithfulness in Destruction
Are your wonders known in the place of darkness,
or your righteous deeds in the land of oblivion?
But I cry to you for help, O LORD;
in the morning my prayer comes before you.
Why, O LORD, do you reject me
and hide your face from me?
From my youth I have been afflicted and close to death;
I have suffered your terrors and am in despair
Your wrath has swept over me;
your terrors have destroyed me
All day long they surround me like a flood;
they have completely engulfed me.
You have taken my companions and loved ones from me;
the darkness is my closest friend
(Psalm 88)

WHY GOD! WHY DO YOU STAY SILENT? Or am I just not listening hard enough?
Come to me in my darkest hours, comfort me if you are there.
I lie awake weeping my pain in the small hours, unsure of my identity, unsure if I'm doing the right thing...love flaming in my heart, desire so strong it hurts.
A vow is a vow....I promised you my chastity. I knelt before your cross and spoke the words out loud. Why is it so hard then?
Where is your guiding hand? Are you deaf to my crys Lord God?
I love him God, do you understand?
God of grace...God of Peace...I submit to your authority but give me the strength to keep going. I need you.

He is all to me, his name is daily on my lips. My heart sings with joy for him, he completes my heart. How to tell him? I do not know. I'm so toxic in my confusion I feel like I hurt him with every syllable from my curs'ed lips. Pain I detest myself for causing. God I need your guidance! Yet you mock me with silence.

*sigh* I kneel once more before your throne, messing everything up with a toxic touch.

I LOVE HIM BEYOND WORDS, I LOVE YOU MY DEAR ONE.
How can I show you the depth of feeling behind those three simple words? I love you, j'adore....I could say it in other languages but would it make a difference?
I LOVE YOU DEAR HEART.
I'm sorry I'm so messed up. I'm trying to be strong, trying to be me...but it's so hard when I don't know who I am. I want so bad to be in your arms, to hear it's all alright...I'm so far away. This distance is maming my heart...but it will always love you. Tell me how to show you this love...show me how to be less toxic. Be frank...I'm hurting but i'm strong. I need your honesty. Please.
And if you want to leave....I will understand...I hate the thought that I'm hurting you. You deserve so much better then me, and yet you say you love me....how can this be? I'm just messed up little old me...broken, scarred and scared. Unsure of everything but willing to learn.
I LOVE YOU SORROWBURN, BEN YOU ARE ALL TO ME.